Curiosity Quills – A Minion’s Query (Part 2)

This is the revision to my original query.  This one was a lot tougher to write and I’m just not happy with it, but I’m out of time!

 

Dear Agent,

Moments before the guests of an exclusive gala for Hollywood’s latest ingénue are danced into an authentic New Orleans second line for a late night in the French Quarter, the co-owner of the Andrade House Hotel finds that her unique gift of sight must be used to solve a murder.

Portia Andrade has known since her early teens that the scenes which played before her eyes like a movie were instances woven in the fabric of Time. Unfortunately, she couldn’t tell if the haunting depictions occurred hundreds of years ago or yesterday. As an adult, she has tried everything from meditation to medication to quell the visions. However when her feisty sister is the most likely suspect in the murder of the young actress found stabbed to death in the courtyard of the Andrade House Hotel, Portia draws upon her complete arsenal of weapons – her gift, the research skills of her current boyfriend and the investigative knowledge of her ex-husband – to keep her sister out of jail amid a media storm of bad press.

Upon an Oyster-Shelled Path, a completed 25,000 word novella introducing the Andrade House Mystery series as well as providing insight into the language and culture which makes New Orleans unique. This work can be included in an anthology or made available as a stand-alone title for readers of cozy mysteries looking for a culturally diverse amateur sleuth in an exciting setting.

Thank you for your consideration,

Vallory Vance

Interested in finding other minions like me, click here!

3 thoughts on “Curiosity Quills – A Minion’s Query (Part 2)

  1. Don’t worry, you’re not out of time. In week three, you’ll be paired up with your super villain who can help you with this further. I love New Orleans culture and so I would be drawn to this. The query is pretty close. In my opinion though, I would remove the whole first line. I found it confusing and it didn’t add much. A lot of people think one line hooks are necessary at the beginning of the query, but I’ve seen plenty of good queries who don’t do this. You want to start strong, but you don’t necessarily need a one line “hook”. Also, since you mentioned the multicultural aspect, it might be useful to mention the race of the heroine.

    Good luck!

  2. Hi there! Sounds intriguing, and I love the atmosphere you’ve created. I think the first sentence is rather long/ rambly. In my humble opinion, maybe you should consider just cutting it out; the query is strong without it. Nice job and best of luck!

  3. Love the intrigue here! I agree with the comments about the first line. I would either cut it or cut it down. Cut down example: “Moments before the guests of an exclusive gala are danced into an authentic New Orleans second line, the co-owner of the Andrade House Hotel finds that her unique gift of sight must be used to solve a murder.” Just by cutting out a few of the details, the sentence reads a little bit better and makes more sense.

    I would also suggest working on this sentence because it goes on for a while: “However when her feisty sister is the most likely suspect in the murder of the young actress found stabbed to death in the courtyard of the Andrade House Hotel, Portia draws upon her complete arsenal of weapons – her gift, the research skills of her current boyfriend and the investigative knowledge of her ex-husband – to keep her sister out of jail amid a media storm of bad press.” All of the details are there and necessary, but it might work better as two sentences instead of one.

    Those are pretty much the only suggestions I can make. Other than that, I think this query is great!
    -Minion Mara

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